I don't have any big announcement. I'm just tired of saying "Hello," "Hey," and "Greetings." Although coincidentally, today is a big day, because today is our 111th video.
Since it is unlikely we'll reach 222 or 333, and even less likely that we'll reach 777 or 888, I thought I'd recognize the 111th with a special poem.
Ahem.
One hundred, plus ten, plus one again So much larger than a hundred plus ten When I'm with you it's like I'm in heaven Oh, I love you, one hundred and eleven.
And now, a video about another special occasion just around the bend...
Today I want to tell you about a miracle. A miracle with all the wonder and marketability of the events of the Bible. A miracle...of jam.
Yes, you know it. The very stuff you spread on your English muffin, usually not on toast, and never on bagels (I mean, who could imagine jam on a bagel?), has been blessed by the limitless ingenuity of Messrs. Stuart and John Von Canada in a secret European recipe that makes the impossible possible.
It is so awesome and so awe-inspiring that we have decided to name it Impossible Jam. Like regular jam, Impossible Jam can be obtained only via an intricate system of aunts and boutique country jam stores, and will almost always sit in the back of your fridge for an inordinate amount of time before you finally get in that mood for English muffins again.
If you would like your own Impossible Jam, simply send a cheque or money order for £200 (99p plus £199.01 S&H and finder's fee) to 2 Chester Street, Edinburgh, UK EH3 7RA within the next two weeks. You will receive a half-eaten jar of Impossible Jam within 6-8 months.*
Jammie dodgin',
John from Canada
P.S: Please note also that Stuart from Canada shall henceforth be called "Bolo".
*Lastoke Industries will not be liable for improbable or possible Impossible Jam. Berry Berry, Mega Berry, and CosmoBerry flavours not available. All sales final. No refunds. Lastoke Industries will take no responsibility for Impossible Jam lost, damaged, or stolen en-route to delivery point. Subject to additional fees as warranted.
Today shall forever be known as Day 1 of Year 1 in the official Lastoke Calendar, not because it's a day after our 100th video, but because it's a day after Helena Bonham Carter's birthday.
(Just kidding...we hate Helena Bonham Carter just as much as you do.)
Now on to business.
For those few Canadians who may be watching, there is a little known but widely upheld passage in Scottish Law that states that in order for someone to be considered a full, legal man, they must climb a mountain.
Since neither Nathan from Canada or Kevin from Canada had climbed a mountain, we thought we'd take them up Arthur's Seat so they would be considered Scottish Men. We also figured that it couldn't hurt to be Extra-Strength Scottish Men, Now With More Mountain.
So what did we find? A lot of Goat Paths, if you know what I mean.
WE MADE IT!!! We have successfully come to the end of a miserable week. I would like to take this moment to announce a MAJOR change to lastoke.ca. This MAJOR change to the blog will both scare and excite you to the point where you say: "WOW, this is totally different I can't believe it."
Though I can't give too much of the MAJOR change away I can inform you that John and I are very excited about it. Further, we promise to hold ourselves to the same standards as in all our previous posts. To see our standards refer to the Official Lastoke Guide to Excellence included at the bottom of the blog.
To celebrate this NEW and MAJOR change we decided to end blog 1.0 with a call back to the old. Enjoy.
My name is,
Stuart from Canada
Official Lastoke Guide to Excellence
John and Stuart hereby promise to create the best product possible using the least possible energy
John and Stuart hereby promise that a minimum of 90% of their videos and or content will include either obscenities, offensive content, inappropriate behaviour, or nudity.
John and Stuart hereby promise to continually search for new and inventive ways to publicly humiliate ourselves.
John and Stuart hereby promise to favour our viewers proportionally to how often they comment.
P.S: People As People has been updated with the answer. Thanks for all your guesses, but the "V" on this one goes to Emily, who suggested it was in fact John from Canada. Wrong, but close enough for us! Special shout out goes also to Alex, who suggested his brother. Congratulations!
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I have the most urgent of news to impart to you all. As everybody knows this week has been a miserable week. Also as everybody knows John and I have been living in a cave for the past week. What you don't know is that today we were able to get back into the main house while we reset the house for the next group of people.
Besides the heavy smell of Indian cuisine it was a a welcome relief to emerge back into a place where your bed doesn't butt up against a sack of garbage. However, you will be shocked to find out that despite the rantings,garbage, smell, and general awfulness John has optionally and voluntarily decided to stay in the basement. John is under the impression that the house contains a curse which dooms him to have bad dreams whenever he sleeps in it. Some of this more memorable dreams include such unsavory characters such as walruses with riddles, three headed dogs, and couch people.
Dance dance,
Stuart from Canada
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Thank you to all who kindly recommended excorcists to deal with our Vermin of Hell problem. (Father Robert from Otobicoke seemed especially friendly on the phone.) It has finally been solved...at 8 in the morning, because they wanted an early checkout. Of course, they didn't leave until 9:30. That makes sense.
In other news, we're descending once again into our cave to become slowly more and more like Gollum as we survive on nothing but stale Dairy Milk bars and cold pasta and live in complete darkness.
Also, today is the conclusion of Passover. We were going to do today's whole video in Hebrew to honour the day, but we couldn't get the accent right. So instead I watched a highly bastardized account of Exodus, The Prince of Egypt, in which Val Kilmer gets to play Moses AND God! That's like every grade school actor's dream! Way to go, Val!
Speaking of the commercialization of events of religious significance, today is Day 5 of the Countdown to Discount Easter Chocolate Products. On this day, it is appropriate to purchase the necessary quantity of milk (20-30 gallons should be sufficient for most households) to go with the bulk amount of Discount Easter Chocolate Products on Tuesday.
And that's the whole kit and kaboodle!
Next year in Jerusalem,
John from Canada
P.S: That's a straw that's shaped like a big ol' veiny penis on one end. Imagine drinking milk with THAT.
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I hope you enjoyed the two day hiatus as much as John and I did. We did many MANY exciting things none of which i will reveal to you now. With the pleasantries out of the way I would like to welcome everybody back to another John and Stuart action packed lastoke.ca week. How exciting.
However, what is NOT exciting is today. Besides a brief bit of excitement in the morning the day went steeply downhill thereafter. I'm sure you have all noticed that i like to give names to things or feelings that i experience in order to better describe them. In this vein i have dubbed today, 'Let Down Day'. To start off let me say, i'm an idiot. This is because i learned the hard and seemingly obvious lesson that getting rich quick is not possible, but more on that later. In other 'Let Down Day' related news John and I must go to live in the bowels or the house again as a fun happy last minute SURPRISE group of people are coming to visit. If you haven't got the full mental image of the basement room that John and I are banished to on a weekly basis then I have a few helpful images to get your imagination flowing.
Warning
The following comparison contains excessive Lord of the Rings content. Read at own risk.
Picture 'Balin's tomb' in the Mines of Moria, the one with all the dead rotting dwarves and the cave troll. Well, this is what our basement room is like except there are no actual dead dwarves or cave trolls. However, weeks of neglected recycle has caused it to smell in a somewhat similar way. I hope that helps you picture the room.
Please join me in celebrating the end of 'Let Down Day' and enjoy the video.
Stuart from Canada
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Today is part 4 of JOB WEEK and it explores the interview process. To further this idea i have prepared a list of questions and answers that should never be asked or given during a job interview.
Questions
1. What is the policy on sleeping with co-workers
2. How many sick days are we allowed taking
3. Would I be expected to come in everyday?
Answers
1. Umm, I like to slaughter chickens and play W.O.W in my spare time.
2. High school really wasn't for me
3. No I won't need a parking pass I ride my horse to work
4. Public school really wasn't for me
Enjoy the video.
I shot the sheriff,
Stuart from Canada
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Today John and I discovered the secret to total technological slavery. Today we spent several hours conversing with one another while in different rooms, all thanks to the modern innovation of MSN. Thanks MSN. Instead of communicating like humans we decided to take the 'blue pill' and give in to the matrix.
In slightly less aggressive sounding news, I have a zit on more forehead. Fuck! I knew something was going to spoil job week. Oops i've said to much. John also coincidentially has a forehead zit so we are temporarily changing our names to 'Stuart and John from Canada who have Forehead Zits'. I know, sounds pretty catchy.
Tip of the Day: Never mix Nutella and Peanut butter. Although both may taste delicious individually when put together they...well, just don't do it.
Take the time,
Stuart from Canada
P.S Happy 2 month anniversary.
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Welcome to day 58 of John and Stuart going to Scotland. This is not quite a 2 month milestone but close enough that mentioning it now will somewhat sour the surprise for everyone when we mention on day 60 that we have been here for two months...oh well. In today's news we discovered that the extended edition of the Fellowship of the Ring didn't get any shorter then the original. In other unrelated news I received no fortune in my fortune cookie, and thus apparently have no future.
Thanks Fortune Cookie! Put downs hurt you know. Regardless of whether they are coming from humans or baked chinese after dinner treats. You may be delicious but I will never trust you again...Did i take that to far?
Tip of the Day: Careful when pinning a pin to your coat as you might accidently prick your thumb which necessitates a band-aid of which you will be out of, the lack of band-aid will then of course cause the thumb to go red into what you think is the beginning of an infection and or gangrene...So...careful.
Pop! Goes my Heart,
Stuart from Canada
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When travelling it's virtually impossible to see everything you came to see. That maxim is especially true when you are hungover from St. Patrick's Day in Ireland, or, as it should be called, Serve Everyone Who Can Still Stand Day.
The city was remarkably normal today, not like our first night where the streets were empty as people got an early night, and definitely not like our second where the streets were fuller than me after a meal of microwavable bangers 'n' mash (surprisingly authentic). We got to see a little bit more of the city as we wandered around looking for a drycleaners (it's a long story), and were ultimately assaulted at every turn by the delicious smell of baked goods.
Ireland has been good to us over the past few days, and so we at Lastoke would like to thank the entire population of Belfast and the geographical area of Ireland. We'd also like to give a special shout out to Joel, our taxi driver/tour guide who thought enough to bring a marker so we could write on the Peace Wall (he's at the front of today's video!), and who can be reached by booking a Black Taxi tour through your hostel in Belfast. Awesome.
So, one last cheers from the city of good Guiness, and we'll see you all back home in Scotland.
Top o' the mornin',
John from Canada
P.S: We've created the Best Of section (link is in the sidebar) and updated the obsession of the week and S&J On The 'Pedia. Also of note, viewers using Mozilla Firefox might have some trouble on occasion playing our older videos. We're in the process of making Best Of videos available for download to solve this problem. If any of you have any suggestions, please let us know.
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The following is a video recording found in the aftermath of the friday the 13th outbreak that took place in Edinburgh, Scotland. The recording was found in a garage beneath a local pub near Princes Street. The cause of the riots is still as of yet unknown but mass reports of murder, insanity, and cannibalism are still coming in. 1/4 of the city is still in official military quarantine.
Spokespersons from the government have yet to comment although initial reports are that the disease is of a viral nature and remains highly infectious. Religious extremists have been quick to denounce the event as an act of God pointing to the date of the events occurrence, friday the 13th, as proof for their claims.
Residents are advised to stay indoors and not approach ANYONE who appears to be acting strangely.
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Welcome to Day 2 of Theme Week everybody! Today's theme comes from Nathan, who suggested the theme of "Dropping Bombs in the Morning and Taking Names in the Evening". Well done!
This theme was a challenging one. But nonetheless, we faced it head on and I think we did a pretty good job of it. Remember, if you want to see us humiliate ourselves to your theme, suggest it by posting it in the comments or emailing us at info@lastoke.ca.
In other news, spaghetti is not as good as fusilli. The debate about penne still rages on.
Take cover,
John from Canada
P.S: Due to an error caused by Blogger's upload service, some early viewers may have seen a somewhat incomplete version of the video. The version below has been corrected. This is just yet another demonstration of what we have learnt many times before: that nothing will work the way you need it to.
P.P.S: That said, we still honour and respect Google's noble attempts at bringing vlogs to the people and we hope we have not affronted Them in any way.
P.P.P.S: We're sorry, Google.
P.P.P.P.S: Really sorry.
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In today's post, I want to reach out to the good people in our audience and share with them a message from all housekeepers, guest house staff, and hotel receptionists. Please, for the love of God, if your vacation isn't exactly as you imagined, deal with it.
After spending most of the day cleaning the house for the arrival of 20 women whose purpose in Edinburgh remains a mystery to us (and we only had beds for 19!), we got to deal with their three INCREDIBLY finicky leaders, providing them with a) 6 sets of keys; b) two full rolls of toilet paper in each bathroom; and c) a full-on inspection of the house so they could not be claimed for damages (like we don't know what's damaged already at this point, having lived here for almost a month).
Beyond that, we had lots of fun playing with the hot water heater. We played a game called "Find the Pilot Light!". We lost that one, so we moved on to another game called "Fix the Industrial Scale Boiler Following Only Vague Instructions". Stuart won that one after about forty tries. We had so much fun that we played a third game, "Figure Out Why The Fuck The Heat Isn't On But The Water Is Hot!". Much to our amazement, we won that one too after only 30 minutes. It was so much fun, I look forward to playing again the next time 20 angry and picky women show up at the house for a complaining party.
In fact, by the end of the night, we had gone in and out of the house more times than all of the guests combined, each time having to knock and apologize profusely for interrupting their...well, we don't know what it was. Hen Party? Whatever.
So the gist of today's post, ladies and gentlemen, is be kind to your hotel staff and receptionists. Otherwise, you will never know how much they truly resent you until you find a turd in your pillow.
!Ato,
(^That's Notho Swahili for goodbye)
John from Canada
P.S: Don't forget to suggest your picks for the "Best Of" section by posting a comment or emailing us at info@lastoke.ca.
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Today we arrived safely back in our home city of Edinburgh after an amazing two days in Glasgow. Both being dead tired we whittled away the afternoon drifting in and out of consciousness as we arrived back in the city at an unheard of 7:30 in the morning. In other news we received a 'Pay-in book" from our bank to which John and I are totally confused.
What is this mystic Pay-in book and what is it for? If you know please comment with possible answers. The person who answers correctly will receive a free Lastoke Blow up Sheep! For those of you who think it is the key to entering Narnia think again John and I have already tried. Good guessing.
In addition John and I are announcing the end to our 'Sign off with Style" contest. Thanks to all those who emailed with suggestions for sign-offs and after a count of all the votes the winner to the contest is...'Feel the Magic'. From Edinburgh Scotland.
Feel the magic,
Stuart from Canada
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As I write this, I am balancing between uploading today's video, checking my email, and playing a game of Settlers of Catan with people 5000 kilometres away.
Today was a great success for Stuart and John, on day 1 of our second month away. Stuart opened a bank account in the ridiculously posh HSBC Princes Street Branch, while I booked a trip to Belfast. We followed that great success with another...cancelling the trip to Belfast and booking one to Glasgow instead.
So next week, be prepared for a spectacular, awe-inspiring insight into Scotland's largest city: Glasgow.
But for now, enjoy the new hit series coming to Lastoke.ca, The Real House Party.
Be at peace, children,
John from Canada
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CONGRATULATIONS everyone we have now been in a relationship for 1 month. Yes that is right 30 whole days have passed since our arrival in the United Kingdom. If you were to compare our blog relationship with a human one then we've just had our second date together. So put your dress shirt on and prepare for chocolates cause today is date night and more videos are headed your way.
As thanks for your commitment to this relationship we have gotten you a brand spanking new promise ring, which we will mail to you, but more on that later. In addition we are also starting this, month two of the blog, with a bang. Enjoy today's video commemorating our trip so far.
Let the music free,
Stuart from Canada
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Today we went out to one of the many post offices found through the city and learned without a doubt that Canada Post does in fact suck. The general rule being that whatever other national post offices charge Canada Post will charge you double. So I guess i'm saying that we couldn't help but be impressed by Stuart the friendly and helpful post office worker and the cheap rates he gave us to send our packages.
In other slightly outdated news we'd like to extended a hearty thanks to one of our viewers for sending in a valentine's day song for John and I. Unfortunately our busy schedule has prevented us from appropriately thanking said viewer. So in appreciation for his hard work today's video goes out to Nathan from Kingston.
Walk the line,
Stuart from Canada
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Today we had to clean the house. It was relatively simple matter involving scrubbing,washing, and toilets. I don't want to pull any punches for you either cleaning a toilet in Scotland is the same as cleaning one in Canada, I was worried for awhile but it didn't take me long to be convinced that it is just as much fun as back home. In other news i'm sure everyone back home is really feeling the HOPE and CHANGE cause Obama's in the Great White North. We on the Lastoke team would like to reassure our viewers that should any of you not visit the site today it is understood, as the knowledge that Obama is in Canada is even to much for John and I and we aren't even in the country.
Keep enjoying the CHANGE,
Stuart from Canada
Tip of the day: Your cleaningBleach should not be kept ANYWHERE near your club soda. Mistakes can be made.
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Today we climbed on top of a mountain. You might think that this means a small hill, or steep incline. No. In reality, it is a massive mountain called Arthur's Seat in the middle of the city. Plus, there are two other bonus mountains to climb alongside it.
So after a very long and tired day we came back to have a delicious meal and celebrate another great success. In fact, we were so contented that we decided to give you a bonus video in which we give you a tour of our new neighbourhood.
Besides Operation Nest Egg's successful completion (more on that later), there's not much to report, so enjoy the videos and we'll see you tomorrow.
TIP OF THE DAY: If something looks like it *might* be a path, assume it's not a path. 9 times out of 10, it's not a path.
Doing it with style,
John from Canada
SEE TODAY'S BONUS VIDEO BELOW!!
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Today was laundry day. Well, it was for me. Stuart, whose bag is significantly larger, packed enough clothes for 30 days, while I must make do with a measly week's worth. So today I left Stuart alone for the first time in half a month to make the long trek to the laundromat, or, as they call it in Edinburgh, laundrette.
Hope you enjoy today's video and here's hoping we actually post it on time.
See you on the flip side,
John from Canada
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Today we left the comfort of 24 hour drunkeness and millions of Australians at the Castle Rock Hostel for our new room! Don't get excited, we don't have a flat yet. Instead, we've leased a two bed room for just a few nights while we get the flat thing sorted out.
After walking with heavy packs through the typical cold, wet morning smelling of stale beer, we came into the room and instantly noticed the catch...no heat. I'm freezing my bollucks off right now.
However, we've got quick and easy access to the internet and warm, 100% space-age Chinook sleeping bags to keep us comfortable, so we can't complain. In the meantime, wish us luck finding a flat and hope you all enjoy today's video and visit your nearest Trailhead or A-1 outlet today.
Don't be hatin',
John from Canada
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John and I had a somewhat eventful day which included but was not limited to almost being swindled out of 500 pounds by a con-artist referring to himself as Doctor Jones. Thankfully due to luck, happenstance, and a overly helpful Western Union employee we managed to avert disaster. In honour of this unnamed employee I dedicate this day's post and video. Thanks.
Smack that,
Stuart from Canada
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We've been here two nights now and it already feels like a week. We've spent the past day calling countless people to see about flats.
Funny story about that...one lady, Debbie, was renting a flat for extra cheap. So we run around to about ten different urine stained telephone boxes trying to call her, every one broken. When we finally do reach her, she says that a bed collapsed through the roof of the spare room and she needs to file an insurance claim, so she can't see us.
We've also met the Sleeping Man, sort of. He left this morning. I swear to God, that man did not spend more than 4 hours awake over the past 48 hours. Went to bed at 9 in the evening and got up at 8 PM. Then he went back to sleep, three hours later, and slept through to the next morning. It made me feel sick.
So despite a penis on my face and having to defend the keep, we're in a pretty good place at the Castle Rock Hostel. We've even run into a few Canadians who are also living here long term.
Because we're in such a good place right now, please enjoy our extra special bonus video: Hill Climbing!
Cheers,
John from Canada
Please Note: Bonus Videos are not to be considered part of normal posting procedure and are to be considered a special event.
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Actually no one calls it that, i guess some people might but for the most part they get beat up when they do. This video takes place during our journey to Edinburgh. Since
then we received several promising flat share offers, John has spilt two entire pints of beer and has had one very graphic illustration of the male genitalia drawn on his face.
Tomorrow we are scheduled for some viewings of flats as well as we are set to delve further into the mysteries of the enigmatic Edinburgh.
Stuart from Canada
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Today is Day 10 of our 10 Day Countdown. In layman's terms, that means that today is the last day of our 10 Day Countdown, and that means that we leave tomorrow.
But the end of the Countdown is not the end of it all. In fact, it's more of a beginning. As we move through the UK and form our home base in Scotland, we'll bring you bigger, flashier, and pompous-er videos!
In fact, someone high up in our organization said to me in passing that such a video is coming your way tomorrow.
So don't leave us now, cause the best is (probably) yet to come! And in the meantime, enjoy our last video...
John from Canada
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Welcome to day 7 of The Countdown! In an effort to keep the Countdown fresh and exciting like Pepsi's new slogan "Pepsi, Fuck Ya" we've changed some of our conventional filming techniques.
In this video we decided to go for a pompous film/ after school special vibe. However, The level of pompous after school specialness was so great that it took 5 times longer than normal for the computer to render and publish it. We apologise for the lateness and any inconvenience this may have caused for you and promise to allow for the level of pompousness in any further videos. Enjoy day 7 and we will see you again on day 8.
Thanks for the interest,
Stuart from Canada
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Ladies and Gentlemen:
