Photo of the Week: May 24 - 30

"MARKED BY DEATH, FOR DEATH"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

Wizard Quest: Castle of Doom

Hey everyone!

Remember how we don't post on weekends? Well, we still don't! We're just being nice, giving you a video on a Saturday, mainly because we didn't give you one on Friday. It's not as if we shot and edited a bunch of footage and then had internet problems so we couldn't upload it.

Anyway...

Remember that great RPG you really loved as a kid? I don't, cause I didn't play RPGs, but you might! Got it in mind?

Great, cause now we're going to ruin those happy memories forever. Here's Wizard Quest: Castle of Doom, a preview for the upcoming Wizard Quest series produced by Lastoke Games to be released in 2052.

You shall not pass,

John from Canada

Nihilism

Arthur's Seat II

Happy 101, everyone!

Today shall forever be known as Day 1 of Year 1 in the official Lastoke Calendar, not because it's a day after our 100th video, but because it's a day after Helena Bonham Carter's birthday.

(Just kidding...we hate Helena Bonham Carter just as much as you do.)

Now on to business.

For those few Canadians who may be watching, there is a little known but widely upheld passage in Scottish Law that states that in order for someone to be considered a full, legal man, they must climb a mountain.

Since neither Nathan from Canada or Kevin from Canada had climbed a mountain, we thought we'd take them up Arthur's Seat so they would be considered Scottish Men. We also figured that it couldn't hurt to be Extra-Strength Scottish Men, Now With More Mountain.

So what did we find? A lot of Goat Paths, if you know what I mean.

Rollin', rollin', rollin',

John from Canada

Photo of the Week: May 17 - 23

"WE CAN BE TOURISTS TOO - ALL EXCEPT FOR NATHAN"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

100

STOP THE PRESSES!

It has been 100 videos! 100 whole videos since our first video post...wow...I know eh. In 100 videos we have experienced 40 rainy days, 858 redheads, 167 pints, and 8921 hits on our site. What does that all mean you ask? I have no idea. But whether your my mother whos been watching from minute one or Jenna from London who just started watching last week we'd like to express our gratitude to everyone. Thanks for dragging yourselves along with us.

Smack that Again,

Stuart from Canada

Música el lunes: En la Noche

Hola,

Hoy es nuestro segundo Stuft Presents...Music Monday. Esta semana que daremos usted el sonido exótico de España en la nueva canción por Stuft, En la Noche.

Esto es una canción del amor y devoción. Esto es una canción de magia por la tarde. Esto es una canción de belleza y alma.

Pero sobre todo, es una canción acerca de tu mamá.

Buenas noches,

Juan de Canadá

((Download this song))
Right Click and "Save Target As..."

Friends

Oops

Helo,

unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control, we don't have a video for you today. This in a round about way is my way of saying that we got drunk and ddn't think about the video. Oops! I'm off to drink more. See you tomorrow.

Hammer time,

Stuart from Canada

That Scottish Show

Today was Day 1 of my hopefully short beardless life. Here are the major findings:

1. My chin is cold and exposed to the elements
2. My train of thought is disturbed by my inability to stroke my goatee
3. My jaw looks really small (like, deformed small)
4. Seriously, how do people live without beards? and
5. The guy at the corner store is as surprised by Beardless John as almost everyone else is.

So, besides that, Day 1 concluded without much incident. Life continues to taunt me with Stuart and various Scottish people enjoying the benefits of beards.

The most important lesson in this post is this, however: STAR TREK IS SO AWESOME!!!! GO SEE THE MOVIE IF YOU HAVEN'T, CAUSE MY GOD IT IS SO BADASS!

SO...
TOTALLY...
BADASS!!!

Best movie in almost one million years. No joke. I just saw it, and I'm going to stream it now.

Live Long and Prosper,

John from Canada

The Changing of the Beards

Today is a big day. Today is a huge day. Today is a day of momentous happenings. Years from now your children, grandchildren, or strangers on the street will ask you what you were doing on this day. Today John shaved his beard...

I had to start a new paragraph in order to fully express how CRAZY that is. For those of you who don't know John has carried a beard for almost 3 years now, which is long enough for the rest of us to forget what he looks like.

In other related news I now have a beard! Which means that John and Stuart's bizzaro world has finally become the real world.

Workin it Lumberjack Style,

Stuart from Canada

P.S: For those interested in drinking Scottish style, try mixing 4 parts vodka to 1 part IRN-BRU (see here) for a new fantastic drink called the Hammer. This name and drink recipe are 100% patented and trademarked (in a completely non-legally binding fashion) by Lastoke Media. Mm-mm good.

Music Monday: Scottish Bru

Oh my sweet baby Jesus, it's Lastoke!

Newer, Sexier, Canadianer, and Musicer!

That's right, musicer too!

Every Monday from now until an undisclosed date, the Lastoke Boys will bring you a BRAND NEW SEGMENT featuring SEXY FUNTIME MUSIC in a WHOLE NEW WAY!

What does that mean? NEWER, SEXIER, CANADIANER, AND MUSICER!

What's this new segment called, you ask?! Stuft presents...Music Monday!

Yeah! Sounds AWESOME!

So without further ado, take in the magic, the mystery, and the awe-inspiring talent of Stuft in their hit debut single, Scottish Bru.

Fuck yeah,

John from Canada







P.S: You should know that Stuft is one of those modern alternative bands that hates record companies and "corrupt" music and therefore will make all of their music available for download via the sidebar. Awesome!!

((Download this song))
Right Click and "Save Target As..."

Photo of the Week: May 10 - 16

"FUN BALL GAMES"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

Waldo

Hello boys and girls,

Today we were visited by some very special individuals who brought us some very special gifts from a faraway land. They were tired after their long journey, and we laid out freshly made food and freshly poured drink for them.

But enough about the out-of-season visits from our work-related acquaintances, Santa and the Easter Bunny. We just checked in some hens fresh from a gold-plated limo and we're aching to join in the celebrations...if you know what I mean...

(I don't know what I mean, I never got 'the talk' and am frankly very confused by Fergie. What's her London Bridge?)

In other news, it's awfully wet in the area. That's what she said.

Come again soon,

John from Canada







P.S: How many times could you spot Kevin and Nathan from Canada? Post your guesses in the comments section!

*&%# IN MY &%#

Greetings viewers and welcome to today. What is today you ask? Well, if you've been following us the past week you'll know that E-day is upon us. No, this comedic bastardization of a code name most commonly associated with the 1944 invasion of France has nothing to do with war at all. It actually refers to the arrival of two Canadians arriving at Edinburgh Airport. They will further E-day by catching a bus from the airport riding it to the city centre. The pair will then proceed on foot and after getting lost for several hours will find a phone in order to call John and Stuart for help.

That's pretty much the whole operation.

In other news, John from Canada has changed his name to Dr. Alice Mombosi. In an effort to make himself seem more like a 50 year old female Indian Doctor. He will further this transition by buying a coat and giving out medical advise to people who haven't asked for it. Today's video once again chronicles the exploits of our Canadian correspondents as they spend their final days in Canada wrapping up some loose ends and saying goodbye.

Enjoy,

Stuart from Canada

Tips and Tricks

Hello everybody!

This morning (I say this morning, really I mean 3 or 4 in the morning) our Canadian correspondents blessed us with another video with some useful tips about travelling in Scotland.

I wracked my brains to see if I had any useful tips that I could come up with, but all I could think of were these:

1. Ignore the smell.
2. You can't understand them, so don't try.
   
3. Avoid the scotch until you're 40.
   
4. Don't laugh at people in kilts, they're serious.
5. Ignore the smell.
   
6. You can't do shit about the tramworks, even if they are ripping the heart out of local businesses.
   
7. Don't go out on football night.
8. Ignore the smell.

If you keep all that in mind and forget about the exchange rate, you'll be fine! So until next time...

Boldly going where no man has gone before,

John from Canada

Shitday

Hello,

It has come to my attention that due to the hibernation habits of my people that i missed my official posting day yesterday. However, if you will check your lastoke official calendars you will see that May 12 is Sleepwanga day on the YETTI calendar in which all YETTIE must engage in a minimum of 23 hours of sleep. I apologize for any confusion but sacred YETTI creed must take precendence over blogging.

Further, John was wise not to wake a sleeping YETTI as any YETTI disturbed from Sleepwanga must immediately engage in combat with the person who disturbed his hibernation. For a full account of YETTI history please see the popularly acclaimed, 'Brief History of the Yetti: A story of glory, pride, and human greed' written by acclaimed YETTI historian Stewart Oak. 

Anyway, i guess that was a round about way of saying i'm sorry. In  other news, today was a shit day.

Stuart from Canada

Monday Bloody Monday

And there's two things I forgot...

For those familiar with the band The Cat Empire, those are the lyrics to The Car Song. For those unfamiliar with the Cat Empire, those are appropriate descriptions of exactly what happened tonight.

So...

Hey, has anyone noticed how Stuart from Canada and I have been alternating posting? Yeah...so that's the first thing...cause Stu's kinda alseep right now. And hey, they say not to wake a sleeping Yeti. Waking a waking Yeti is dangerous enough. You're going to fuck with it while it's sleeping now? What's wrong with you?!

And as for the second...

You know what's deteriorating besides the Mona Lisa and most of the historical sites in Greece? The standard of Canadian journalism!

Canadian correspondents my ass...

To punish them, Stuart and I decided (well, Stu said 'Toy Tuck' in his sleep which I took to mean yes) NOT to produce a witty and clever retort to their video tonight, and instead leave them to fend on their own. Let's see what they do with that...

So to conclude, me posting tonight has nothing to do with a combination of persistent insomnia and night terrors and everything to do with cryptozoological studies of rare mountain species, and the lack of a video from your favourite and MOST RELIABLE people has nothing to do with Strongbow Original Cider and everything to do with a certain REDHEADED CANADIAN CORRESPONDENT WHO'S NAME RHYMES WITH "BATHE IN" (as in "you should bathe in some sulphuric acid for being so late with your video").

So, I will leave you with a parting that our Canadian correspondents will thoroughly enjoy and I will find horribly ironic:

Sleep tight,

John from Canada







Kevin and Nathan from Canada's video submi- oh wait, I don't need to put this usual band of italic descriptor text (as we call it in the business) because there is no second video, largely due to the fact that a certain REDHEADED CORRESPONDENT desperately needed his beauty sleep. And I mean DESPERATELY...

P.S: For Canadian Correspondents Nathan and Kevin from Canada's Eyes Only: jk lolz, u r teh coolest 4vr no foolin. c u in 2 dz, dawgz! love LJ

Photo of the Week: May 3 - 9

"STILL LIFE FEATURING VODKA, BAD CHOCOLATE, AND FIVE WEEK OLD CELERY"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated. Also, in our continuing effort to be totally badass, we've added a search bar from the kind, benevolent folks at Google that you can use to search our videos and the rest of our site.

Competitions

Hey Folks!

I have a riddle for you:

What do you do when 15 Irishmen show up at your house?

Give them the keys, of course!

As I write this, I'm sitting listening to loud, Irish folk music and a drunken singalong. The guys upstairs aren't bad blokes, but they did insist on having a door slamming party ALL day today, and one of them, returning drunk from a pub (at 6:30 in the evening), did try to get into our room.

Luckily for us, a) they didn't have keys, and b) an Irishman's vision is based on movement, so by remaining very still they never found out we were here.

In other news, Edinburgh's weather changes on a dime! Today's highlights included hail, rain, sleet, and warm, cozy, 22 degree sun all in the same hour!

Our Canadian correspondents have provided us with yet another fantastic video. Not to be outdone, Stuart and I attempted one of our own.

God rest ye merry gentlemen,

John from Canada



Kevin and Nathan from Canada's video submission.








Stuart and John from Canada's video submission.

Fun things to do

Today started out a little differently then days of recent memory, mainly that it was decidedly sunny outside. However we were not surprised by to see the rain return by the time the sun started to set.

In other unrelated news my facial hair has started begun the formations of what John calls 'beardhood'. I have also raised over 10,000 dollars for the Lastoke foundation. Thank you to all those people who sent in donations.

Also, We've received yet another video from our correspondents in Canada and have once again coupled a video entry of our own to go alongside. Enjoy.

Boom,Boom,Boom,Boom, I want you in my room,

Stuart from Canada

Kevin and Nathan from Canada's video submission.








Stuart and John from Canada's video submission.

The Edinburgh Eatathon

Greetings everybody!

Today Stuart and I received an email from two Lastoke correspondents and up-and-coming LADs, Kevin and Nathan from Canada.

Putting their lives selflessly on the line for quality entertainment, Kevin from Canada did the unimaginable in a video they sent to us following a night of gastric bypasses and stomach pumping.

Just to show that we are in solidarity with their cause for greater entertainment (and also to show that we can do it too), Stuart decided to also put his health and well-being on the line and attempt the same dangerous task.

The first video below is that submitted by our Canadian correspondents earlier today. Our video follows.

WARNING: The following videos contain images that some viewers may find disturbing or grotesque. We advise viewer discretion. Please do not attempt this yourself.



Kevin and Nathan from Canada's video submission.








Stuart and John from Canada's video submission.

Lastoke "Interesting Fact": The piece of bread pictured in the above video is, you may have noticed, thicker than the average piece of toast. In Scotland, loaves of sliced bread are actual loaves of bread, sliced, which often results in really, really thick end pieces. This is, of course, in contrast to North American sliced bread, which aims to be something sliced first, and actual bread second.

Rain Dance in Ma Pantz

I'd like to make a few clarifications with yesterday's post before i move on to the rest of today's post. I've become aware that John from Canada has announced my ambitious beard growing goal, though this is true the reason he gave to you was unfortunately not correct. I am growing my beard to raise money for the Lastoke foundation. A nonprofit organization which sponsors Canadian travelers and gives them money to travel with.

In other news I walked 20 minutes in the rain to get a book i ordered only to discover that it was another more exciting package. But no more on that later. What I WILL say more on is how frustrated I am Amazon for letting me down. I don't know WHERE my book is by needless to say that Owlsmart_USA will be getting an angry email and a poor rating if my book does not find its way into my hands soon.

Finally, join us in celebrating our 30th day of rain as we yet again enjoyed Edinburgh's unique climate of near constant drizzling. I wish it would just rain and stop being such an atmospheric tease.

We've got the funk,

Stuart from Canada

Birthday Surprise

We take a break from our regularly scheduled programming this week to bring you THIS EXCITING STORY:

It's ma birthday!!!!

Or it was, on Sunday. Which was yesterday, for those without a Lastoke Certified Calendar. I celebrated by enjoying the fruity tingle of girly drinks that have the magical ability to taste like neither fruit nor alcohol!

In other news, those who notice a smudge or blur in today's video are not developing cataracts. Our camera lens has cracked, making our total number of broken or damaged cameras 2! You get a free broken or damaged camera at 3, so Stu and I are pretty excited.

Final story tonight, Stuart has decided to grow a beard, finally giving in to his uncontrollable jealousy caused by me getting all the foxy cheerleader women who linger about the consulting district of Edinburgh looking to score...

We'll bring you more updates on Beardgate: Stuart as the week progresses, but for now, enjoy the crazy hijinks of those ridiculous 'From Canada' boys, only on...

WHISKY WHISKY WHISKY DOT LIMA ALPHA SIERRA TANGO OSCAR KILO ECHO DOT CHARLIE ALPHA!

or

WWW.LASTOKE.CA

If I ain't got a weapon, I'mma pick up a rock,

John from Canada







P.S: LADs, I know you've been inactive for a long time. Well now's the time to put those skills learned in peacetime to good use (whatever that means)...use your secret decoder rings to decipher the hidden message in the UNUSUAL SPELLING OF OUR WEBSITE in today's post! Good luck, and Godspeed!

Photo of the Week: April 26 - May 2

"STUART IS A TOOL"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

Part 2: The Might Giraffe

I couldn't believe my eyes! Not twenty paces away stood the most massive giraffe i'd ever lay eyes on. Though to be fair i'd seen very few giraffes in my days and even fewer 'Large Tongue Giraffes' of which was now standing in front of me. Nevertheless the Giraffe was exactly where the man from the village had told me he would be and there could hardly be more then one giraffe with a tongue that was the size of its head. I stared at the giraffe hit by the feeling that something wasn't quite right and after a moment it dawned on my that the giraffe was quietly grazing upon a human corpse. I thought this strange as I was almost sure that giraffes were herbivores.

Could there be more danger to this quest then the village man had let on? Was this giraffe some sort of predator in disguise? How on earth was I supposed to bring this giraffe back without it eating me? As I pondered all these questions I didn't seem to realise that the giraffe was calmly and subtly moving towards me, having stripped the last piece of meat from the unfortunate man who it had been previously eating. Fortunately, though I wouldn't have said so at the time, I had no idea of the animal's intentions as I was to busy racking my brains for ways to catch a giraffe. I'm not usually this unobservant mind you but as you've seen from my story thus far I was under enough stress to distract me. So much stress that by the time I realised the giraffe had moved his tongue had already wrapped around my face and before I knew it my head was one bite anyway from being the giraffe's dessert. It was at this point that the giraffe detected the taste of curry. The same curry, which i'm sure you'll remember, I had had spilled on me earlier. Well I don't mind telling you that apparently the combination of curry paste and human hair wasn't what the giraffe was after and so in short order I found myself on the ground again safe as can be, though with more saliva on me then I usually allow. The Giraffe hurriedly moved away making gaging and retching noises into the distance.

It was at this low point that I took stock of myself. I was half dead, half eaten, half bruised, half confused and completely covered in giraffe saliva. In fact, the only good thing I had going for me was that the only man-eating giraffe in Africa, which was now giving me a wide berth as it tryed to cleanse it palette at the water hole, didn't want to eat me. That's when it hit me! A masterstroke of an idea, I pulled a rope from my backpack and quickly fitted one end of the rope to myself and the other I made into a loop which i then, after 30 or 40 tries, managed to secure over the giraffes neck.

A word of advice for those of you know don't normally rope giraffes... they don't like it. I found this out immediately as the giraffe charged, fully intent on eating me. However a quick curry paste reminder later and I found myself, for the second time that day, covered in giraffe saliva. The good news was that the giraffe finally got the message and was now downright scared of the horrible stench that wafted from atop my head, so afraid that when I came to close the giraffe would run the opposite way.

After 12 hours of curry paste herding a 3 ton giraffe, the finer points of which i've leave to your imagination, I came to the outskirts of the village. Needless to say that when I walked back into the village, not only alive but tied to a man-eating giraffe, i caused quite a commotion. I half scared have pulled my giraffe, of which I had now established a love hate relationship, towards Bill's house this time sure that he would give me the information I wanted to know. However bill thought otherwise, he was sure I would be eaten by the giraffe, as most people were, and he certainly didn't want to give me what i wanted. As Bill was proceeding to screw me over in our deal fate decided to take hold of the situation. Bill suddenly looked much different and I soon realised that the last time I saw Bill he wasn't inside a giraffe's mouth. Unfortunately for Bill and rather fortunately for me, though I didn't realise it at the time, the giraffe made short work of Bill only leaving his shoes resting in front of me.

"FUCK!" I cried, unable to digest the idea, no pun intended, that my only lead was now in my stupid giraffe's stomache. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EAT EVERYONE!" I cried at the giraffe.The giraffe didn't answer. It was then that the elder, who had been observing the entire giraffe debacle, approached and informed me that Bill had been a very bad man. Bill had been a notorious thief and murder who was holding the villages chief hostage within his great straw palace. I smiled in spite of myself and offered to help. In short order the chief was freed expressing his gratitude by awarding me Bills straw palace. I mumbled some thanks and was intent on getting some sleep before I tried to figure out what to do next, but when i entered the straw palace I saw something amazing. The Room was filled with gold,jewels,diamonds, and everything else that you can imagine. Bill had evidently stolen it all having killed the owners by way of man-eating giraffe. It was at this point that I decided to fuck my mission... fuck trying to find it, i'd just buy one.

Instead I decided to write a book. Having experienced quite enough on this journey to know that at the very least it was an Opera's pick. I quickly sat down and after much humming and hawing, I began.

Hello, my name is Albert. Take a Look at this picture. This, though you may not believe it is the end point...

Want to hear the next exciting part of the story? Want to hear how it began? Then send in more picture links.

Tired of writing,

Stuart from Canada

p.s the internet is stupid, sorry