The Straw Palace

In recent days, Stuart and I came across a website, long since forgotten and abandoned, that told the story of a lone man named Albert and something he called the Straw Palace. In the depths of Google's archives we found the remnants of a post from April 30th, 1999 -- ten years ago today -- that forms the beginning of his truly awe-inspiring story. Here's how it begins:

'Hello, my name is Albert. Take a look at this picture. This, though you may not believe it, is actually the end point, the conclusion, the thrilling and suspenseful close to the most fantastical story ever told. But in order to understand, to truly appreciate the depth of this story, you need to understand a little something about how I came to own this Straw Palace.'

Unfortunately, the web archive was corrupted after that, and all memory of Albert and his straw palace has been lost unto time, forever left in limbo.

Stuart and I have decided to finish Albert's story, to tell the world his thrilling story that has for too long been lost to legend.

But we cannot do it alone. So we ask you, good people, to please post links to photos, like this one, so that we may use them as a basis for his story.

Good luck, friends, and happy hunting,

John from Canada

Settlers of Scotland (Stuart and John Edition)

Often John and I have discussed our love for a certain game, namely 'Settlers of Catan'. This highly amusing infinitely frustrating game is played by a maximum of 4 people. However, if you value the people your playing with you will limit your games to 3 people, as name calling, thieving, and an entitlement to the best spot often erupt among 4 player games.

Heres how you play:

The game starts with everyone complaining that someone took their spot and that how their strategy is ruined. (Note: This phase is particularly important in the case of a loss, at which time players can blame the person who took their spot)

Next everyone takes turns rolling the dice, collecting resource, and building more settlements. Make sure to watch for the player who nonchalantly builds their road extra long in the hopes that not everyone on the board realises they are trying to get the Longest Road card.

At this point in the game a player will build the first city at which time all other players will frustratingly remark that they have no idea how they built that so fast. This person is unofficially called the 'Catan Douchebag'. (Note: From this point on the 'Catan Douchebag' is discreetly targeted receiving unfair trades and derisive comments lasting for the remainder of the game.

The next important element to mention is the robber or rowbear as it is colloquially known. The moving of the robber allows one player to steal a card from a player of their choosing and at the same time stop that player from collecting resources. The robber is often the source of angry words in Catan and is in constant use. (Note: All players will claim that the robber is put of them everytime and that everyone is ganging up on them. The phrase "Why Me", "Big Surprise", or "Fuck Off" are often connected to the robbers movements.

Finally, the game ends when the person you expect to win is suddenly and maliciously overthrown by the player that up to that point has been in last place. It is here that all losing players lament their loss and explain to each other how they would have won next turn. These players then join together to mutually dislike the winner who carefully disguises his glee at so throughly beating the others.

Below is our own representation of Scotland if it was a Catan board. Notice the heavy presence of Sheep. Feel free to comment on the best placement spots.

Cheers,

Stuart from Canada

Click to enlarge.

The Case of the Missing Parmesan

Hello boys and girls,

Today was a big day in Lastokeland. John asked people politely if he could be a maid, and Stuart practiced feeding people microwaved dinners and beer! If only life could be like this every day...oh wait, it will be, once we're employed! Yayyyyy!

In other depressing news, AHHHHH! MY DREAMS ARE SCARY!!

For more information, type "john's dream stuart from canada broken violin mother telling story about grim reaper old wooden cabin in forest poisoned tea" into Google and hit "I'm feeling lucky". Happy hunting!

For those following the Lastoke Diet, today Stuart and I indulged in some rice and peas, though we went without soya sauce (see today's video for why). I also had two jammie rings, a peanut butter sammich, and some tea! Oh the joys of having food in the house...much better than bread and cheese.

(I'm kidding bread and cheese, I'll always love you more than the rest.)

She sells sea shells by the seashore,

John from Canada

Bearded Men Beware

Yet another productively secret weekend break has come to a close. Did you do anything interesting? See any famous scottish actors while walking down the street? Did you then get your picture taken with them and get called "A Nice Fellow"? No? Well neither did we.

In other news I've learned that I can construct something from nothing and that John LOVES jammy dodgers but HATES jammy rings. For a description of either please refer to the links posted below.

Tip of the Day: Never write an amazingly popular, critically acclaimed, septilogy of wizard books which ends with: 'His scar hadn't hurt for 19 years, all was well'. It is LAME.

'Is this the Magic School Bus? '

'Yes, Now fuck off and stop calling!'

Stuart from Canada

http://joyoflidl.blogspot.com/2006/08/jammy-rings.html

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jammy%20Dodger

Photo of the Week: April 19 - 25

"THE GHOST OF DENTISTS PAST"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

The Placebo Effect

Hey guys!

Do you know about Steve Buschemi?

3 of your friends are fans.

I hate Facebook, but I love the ads. This is another of my favourites:

Have you heard about apples?

They even show a helpful picture of apples to kickstart your memory.

In answer to your question, Facebook, yes. I have. In fact, someone should draw your attention to the fact that the word "apple" is the first word you learn. A is for Apple. Well, I suppose you learn "is" and "for" first. And "A".

I know I'm breaking the unspoken rule that we shouldn't mention Facebook off of Facebook. It's one of those society saving rules that prevents us all from becoming one of those people who comments on news stories about turmoil in the Middle East giving their ass-poor uneducated opinion and mentioning the "zeitgeist". News for those people: if you're using an online forum for a mainstream media network, you're probably part of the zeitgeist. If there is one. And I'm not saying there is.

But that said, I've just been on Facebook for the first time in a LONG while, and I just noticed how quirky the whole place is. It's like a frat house, without any sex or alcohol. So like an asylum. But quirkier.

In other news, have you heard about Harry Potter? It's just as good as the first time you read it! Read it again! You won't be disappointed!

Hear that sound, a-coming on down,

John from Canada

Lastoke's Two

I hope everyone has enjoyed the past few days and our break from conventional Stuart and John from Canada content. As previously stated this has been an effort to 'Spice it Up' not like in a midlife crisis kind of way but more like...no, actually it is in a midlife crisis kind of way. Needless to say that our quest to find meaning in our blog life continues so be prepared for further curve balls down the road.

However, today John and I were in a epic kind of mood and were both in the frame of mind for a video. So, after weeks of contemplation, hours of discussion, and minutes of story boarding we bring you tonight's video...Lastoke's Two.

Enjoy,

Stuart from Canada

Around the World in 12 Hours

Hello everybody,

Having now recovered from our medical ailments and feeling as good as new, I celebrated by spending 49 pence (that's cents to you!) on a Mint Aero chocolate bar. Little did I know that, evidently, they stopped producing Mint Aero in Britain more than a year ago. For what I had purchased was, without doubt, the single most past its prime chocolate bar ever sold. This thing not only looked like it had just been irradiated, but it tasted like ash and left a filmy coating in your mouth.

Anyway, the big news today was that Stuart and I realized it had been an awful long time since we'd done any real travelling. So we bought some cheap tickets from Ryanair and did a whistelstop tour of the world - in 12 hours. These were the highlights of our trip:

Destination 1: Rome, Italy

Stuart and I decided to kickstart our travels in Rome, where we saw a bunch of cool Italian things. Stuart and I sipped expresso on a riverboat in Venice, admired the David in Florence, and staged a gladiator fight in the Colosseum. Note to fellow travellers: the Roman Police frown upon gladiator battles in their heritage sites.

Destination 2: Agra, India
Next we took a long plane ride to the Jewel of the old British Empire and saw the glorious Taj Mahal! We also rode an elephant, won ten million rupees, and contracted typhus in a public washroom. Note to fellow travellers: the Indian Police frown upon walking or bathing in the fountain at the Taj Mahal.

Destination 3: Beijing, China
Stuart and I ended our journeys in exotic China, where we participated in a festival at Tiananmen Square. It was sort of like the Edinburgh Tattoo, only they showed off their modern weapons as well. We met a really cool guy who was there to busk as a human statue. How cool! Note to fellow travellers: the Chinese Police frown upon everything.

Anyway, now we're sitting back at home, knackered from flying around the world and being yelled at by over 50 different policing authorities. If any of you have any sway with Interpol, please contact us immediately.

Until tomorrow then,

John from Canada

The Hypochondriacal Quiz

John and I woke up this morning to an odd and most unfortunate surprise. We both were suffering from varied physical ailments, as painful as they were mysterious. Had gremlins come in the night with magic 'fuck you' dust? Had a vengeful Santa Clause crept into our house armed with a bag of coal and a 12 years worth of neglect? Or were we just desperately out of shape after walking all yesterday? All this questions were on our mind as we painfully took stalk of our injuries.

After a lengthy 41/2 hour full body exam of each other John and I have used the diagram below to document all our injuries. We then set about consulting various medical dictionaries,websites, and doctors in order to find the root of all our problems.Twelve hours of exhausting research later we have successfully whittled down a few of our ailments to what we consider equally likely possibilities.

Here are our results:

A:

Symptoms: Red Face, Itchy nose

Diagnosis 1: Austo-menegial-palatheory-osis

This Fungal ailment is caused by extended exposure to corrosive chemicals. Austomenegialpalatheoryosis is fatal without extensive surgery and treatment. Prognosis for life with treatment: 34%

Diagnosis 2: SunBurn

B:

Symptoms: Soreness in Joints

Diagnosis 1: Early Onset Chromosomal Displacement

This genetic defect is thought to be hereditary passed through the male line. The condition is thought to be triggered by close contact to radioactive materials or increased toxicity in the blood stream. No cure is at present known. Prognosis for life: 26%

Diagnosis 2: Abrasion of the Ulnar Nerve (hitting the funny bone)

C:

Symptoms: Stomache Ache

Diagnosis 1: Severe Gastro-intestinal-alkaline-acidity

This disease is characterized by its almond like scent. Occurring as a result of the ingestion of lead based paints it causes the stomache lining to covert into a paste like substance and the gastrointestinal juices to solidify. Prognosis for life: 17%

Diagnosis 2: Over consumption (eating like a pig)

D:

Symptoms: Soreness, Swelling, Anal Leakage

Diagnosis 1: Rectal Corrosion

This ailment is often attributed to the inhalation of noxious fumes and is extremely fatal. In most cases of Rectal Corrosion both the small and large intestine are expelled through the anus. Prognosis for life: 11%

Diagnosis 2: Embarrassing as Fuck

Click on the above picture to enlarge.

Cities and Knights

Hello everyone,

Today Stuart and I took a break from cleaning the house (yes, again, or rather, still) and visited a little town by the name of Dunblane.

Dunblane is remarkably close in name to Dunbar, a fact we discovered when, looking at our tickets, we saw Dunbar looking back at us. Luckily, we successfully used the FirstScot Rail Switch to our advantage. It goes a little something like this:

1. When the ticket man approaches, pretend to be asleep.
2. When he wakes you, spend an inappropriate amount of time fumbling with your wallet to get your tickets.
3. Flash him the orange of a train ticket quickly, and he'll usually let you go.
4. If not, wait until he points out that they are tickets to a different location. Say "Is that what they say?" and look incredulously at it yourself.
5. Say that's what they gave you at the station as a ticket to Dunblane.
6. Laugh it off with the nice Scottish man and go back to pretending to be asleep.

This little trick saved us £6! Thanks, FirstScot Rail! And thank you, Scotland, for having a wide array of similar-sounding towns and cities to choose from!

Dunblane was, however, only a stopover on the way to Doune, a small, train station-less town 3 miles from Dunblane.

For those who, like most sane people, use the metric system, three miles is 15840 feet, or, in layman's terms, one ass long fuckin distance.

Doune Castle is famous as the set for Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It came complete with and audio guide narrated Terry Jones (of Monty Python) and a bunch of references to long since deceased Scottish noble families, not to mention disconcertingly helpful gift shop staff.

So all in all, the mission to Doune was a great success bereft of giant sandworms, and we retired home to the fresh scent of hangdrying laundry and a hot pot o' tea.

Have a cuppa yourself, can't do you no harm,

John from Canada

Photo of the Week: April 12 - 18

"STILL LIFE FEATURING VODKA, BAD CHOCOLATE, AND THREE WEEK OLD CELERY"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated. New videos have been added to the Best Of section. Links are on the sidebar.

Big Games in a Small World

WE MADE IT!!! We have successfully come to the end of a miserable week. I would like to take this moment to announce a MAJOR change to lastoke.ca. This MAJOR change to the blog will both scare and excite you to the point where you say: "WOW, this is totally different I can't believe it."

Though I can't give too much of the MAJOR change away I can inform you that John and I are very excited about it. Further, we promise to hold ourselves to the same standards as in all our previous posts. To see our standards refer to the Official Lastoke Guide to Excellence included at the bottom of the blog.

To celebrate this NEW and MAJOR change we decided to end blog 1.0 with a call back to the old. Enjoy.

My name is,

Stuart from Canada

Official Lastoke Guide to Excellence

• John and Stuart hereby promise to create the best product possible using the least possible energy
• John and Stuart hereby promise that a minimum of 90% of their videos and or content will include either obscenities, offensive content, inappropriate behaviour, or nudity.
• John and Stuart hereby promise to continually search for new and inventive ways to publicly humiliate ourselves.
• John and Stuart hereby promise to favour our viewers proportionally to how often they comment.

P.S: People As People has been updated with the answer. Thanks for all your guesses, but the "V" on this one goes to Emily, who suggested it was in fact John from Canada. Wrong, but close enough for us! Special shout out goes also to Alex, who suggested his brother. Congratulations!

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Art

Good evening,

Today we decided to mix things up a little and instead of posting a video, we would post my latest art project: a series of photographs entitled "SAD: Through the eyes of Stuart".

SAD is the culmination of over 15 years of artistic frustration and disenchantment with the mainstream art world. When I set out to create SAD, I looked first at my immediate situation: the miserable living conditions of the lower room. There I also found my subject: a young and incredibly troubled man by the name of Stuart from Canada, who shared the physical and emotional misery of inhabiting a smelly garbage-filled dungheap.

But through these immediate elements, I sought to express the deeper and more meaningful feelings of disenchanment and sadness that are ubiquitous, universal...human. I hope you, like I, believe that SAD has been successful in this goal.

To give you further insight into my greater understanding and artistic brilliance, the photographs are accompanied by an interview with yours truly, the Creator.

Enjoy,

John from Canada

Inversion
John from Canada
2009

Suffocation
John from Canada
2009


The Mirror
John from Canada
2009

A Mainly Miserable Week

I have the most urgent of news to impart to you all. As everybody knows this week has been a miserable week. Also as everybody knows John and I have been living in a cave for the past week. What you don't know is that today we were able to get back into the main house while we reset the house for the next group of people.

Besides the heavy smell of Indian cuisine it was a a welcome relief to emerge back into a place where your bed doesn't butt up against a sack of garbage. However, you will be shocked to find out that despite the rantings,garbage, smell, and general awfulness John has optionally and voluntarily decided to stay in the basement. John is under the impression that the house contains a curse which dooms him to have bad dreams whenever he sleeps in it. Some of this more memorable dreams include such unsavory characters such as walruses with riddles, three headed dogs, and couch people.

Dance dance,

Stuart from Canada

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Food

Hi everybody!

Don't think that the above exclaimation mark implies a happy tone. Also don't assume the preceeding sentence implies an unhappy tone. This is an emotion neutral post. Remember, when you assume, you make assumptions. Which is bad.

Just in time for our slow and torturous descent into insanity to make a slight upsurge, our landlord showed up and a) gave us money, b) took some money, c) took away the garbage (YAYYY!), and d) offered us his car while he was in an undisclosed (to you, not to us - he's not that shifty) central asian country. We gladly accepted A and C, wished we could decline B but couldn't, and had to decline D since we have no idea how to drive on these godforsaken crazy mixed-up totally lawless roads.

In the food section of today's news (that's right, it's the one next to "Wheels" that you always throw out), bread and cheese! It's the newest delicacy in Edinburgh! You don't need to eat anything but a small portion of bread and cheese, every day for the rest of your life! Give it a try...I sure am!

In a final note, today is Discount Easter Chocolate Products Day. I hope all of you were adequately prepared, because I wasn't. Luckily, our landlord happened to be carrying some chocolate and a bottle of milk that he gave to us. Why exactly he was carrying unneeded and unopened chocolate and milk remains unclear.

And that's all folks!

Take it all in,

John from Canada

Photo of the Week: April 5 - 11

"JUST WHAT I WANTED!"

P.S: Obsession of the Week and S&J On The 'Pedia have been updated.

Garbage

Hey Everyone,

I hope everyone enjoyed their chocolate and guilt. One of the highlights of our weekend featured dramatic reenactment of the crucifixion. It was totally historical and super real, though i was surprised to learn that jesus actually had a scottish accent.

It is the start of a new week. Some of you might think that this week isn't special but oh boy is it ever. This week John and I celebrate the first day in what we affectionately call 'Miserable Week'. See John and I deprived of food, comfort and any standard of living in today, the first installment, of a truly miserable week.

Take what you need and eat what you take,

Stuart from Canada

A Meaningful Message

The following message comes from Lastoke GMC with the express permission from John and Stuart from Canada.

We would like to extend our sincere apology for the lack of video on 10/06/09. Various technical difficulties which were out of the control of Lastoke GMC conspired preventing a video from being posted for your viewing pleasure. In other words, the internet was being a douchebag! We hope that none of our viewers experienced any symptoms of withdrawal as a result but the Lastoke team remains confident that regular posting should recommence on 13/06/09 as per regular programming standards.

Again we apologize for the inconvenience and wish all our viewers a happy weekend full of chocolate, bunnies, and guilty repentance.

Sincerely,

Lastoke GMC

Cleaning House

Greetings,

Thank you to all who kindly recommended excorcists to deal with our Vermin of Hell problem. (Father Robert from Otobicoke seemed especially friendly on the phone.) It has finally been solved...at 8 in the morning, because they wanted an early checkout. Of course, they didn't leave until 9:30. That makes sense.

In other news, we're descending once again into our cave to become slowly more and more like Gollum as we survive on nothing but stale Dairy Milk bars and cold pasta and live in complete darkness.

Also, today is the conclusion of Passover. We were going to do today's whole video in Hebrew to honour the day, but we couldn't get the accent right. So instead I watched a highly bastardized account of Exodus, The Prince of Egypt, in which Val Kilmer gets to play Moses AND God! That's like every grade school actor's dream! Way to go, Val!

Speaking of the commercialization of events of religious significance, today is Day 5 of the Countdown to Discount Easter Chocolate Products. On this day, it is appropriate to purchase the necessary quantity of milk (20-30 gallons should be sufficient for most households) to go with the bulk amount of Discount Easter Chocolate Products on Tuesday.

And that's the whole kit and kaboodle!

Next year in Jerusalem,

John from Canada







P.S: That's a straw that's shaped like a big ol' veiny penis on one end. Imagine drinking milk with THAT.

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FUCK

Hello,

Today is an extremely exciting day in Edinburgh as today was the day where Stuart gets his haircut and internationally recognized and celebrated festival.

The day starts with Stuart becoming totally fed up with his great mop of hair, thus deciding it needs to be cut. At this point the city's populace then engages in the age old game of 'Findy Findy Barber' where you try to find a barber who will cut your hair without asking for a large to medium sized mortgage from you. This game can sometimes take hours.

Once the barber is located the festival continues with Stuart giving the chosen barber or barbess, as was the case in this years festival, unnecessarily complex instructions in which he is ridiculously picky.

At this point the highlight of the festival starts where Stuart's hair is cut which results in Stuart inevitably being unsatisfied and everyone else joins together while Stuart grumpily returns back to the under let smelly troll cave that is his home.

Do the Du,

Stuart from Canada

TIP OF THE DAY: Never try filming when convulsing with laughter.

Little Bites of Heaven (and Flapjack!)

Hello all, and welcome to the official 7-day Countdown to Discount Easter Chocolate Products! It's Day 7 today, where you should buy duffel bags and rent U-Hauls so as to not be caught unaware by the sheer quantity of massively discounted Easter Chocolate Products.

In other news, if you know a good exorcist who is great with kids, please send them our way. Our house has been occupied by five minor demons and two Dukes of Hell as a sad result of Let Down Day. They're upset at about the parking. But more on that later.

Our top story tonight: They call it a mine. A mine!

On a final note, the yogurt product "YOP" should change it's name to "BOP" and its campaign to "Mmm...Bop!", because I'm sure those Hanson kids are looking for work to fuel their drug habits and taste for expensive hookers.

Hot like flapjacks and sweet like syrup,

John from Canada

The Cheese

Greetings,

I hope you enjoyed the two day hiatus as much as John and I did. We did many MANY exciting things none of which i will reveal to you now. With the pleasantries out of the way I would like to welcome everybody back to another John and Stuart action packed lastoke.ca week. How exciting.

However, what is NOT exciting is today. Besides a brief bit of excitement in the morning the day went steeply downhill thereafter. I'm sure you have all noticed that i like to give names to things or feelings that i experience in order to better describe them. In this vein i have dubbed today, 'Let Down Day'. To start off let me say, i'm an idiot. This is because i learned the hard and seemingly obvious lesson that getting rich quick is not possible, but more on that later. In other 'Let Down Day' related news John and I must go to live in the bowels or the house again as a fun happy last minute SURPRISE group of people are coming to visit. If you haven't got the full mental image of the basement room that John and I are banished to on a weekly basis then I have a few helpful images to get your imagination flowing.

Warning

The following comparison contains excessive Lord of the Rings content. Read at own risk.

Picture 'Balin's tomb' in the Mines of Moria, the one with all the dead rotting dwarves and the cave troll. Well, this is what our basement room is like except there are no actual dead dwarves or cave trolls. However, weeks of neglected recycle has caused it to smell in a somewhat similar way. I hope that helps you picture the room.

Please join me in celebrating the end of 'Let Down Day' and enjoy the video.

Stuart from Canada

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Photo of the Week: March 29 - April 4

"IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO"

Note: S&J On The 'Pedia and Obsession of the Week have been updated.

JOB WEEK: The Job

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is the conclusion of Job Week.

Yes, Job Week has been an interesting venture, and if we have succeeded both Stuart and I will be enslaved by the white-collar bourgeoise (that's a word which you think you know how to spell until you spell it) within a qautroseptuennianight.

Luckily, none of you know how long that is exactly, so this whole thing could be a complete sham and you wouldn't know it. We might not even be in Scotland. Ever think about that? Yeah, I bet you're thinking about it now...

Thank you to Anonymous for your useful interview tips including batting your eyes and coming in sweaty. My employers are now going to let me take every second Wednesday off to help me avoid further epileptic attacks.

In other news, we are still waiting for our box with holes, though a special shout out goes out to Sara who suggested naming our future dog Fox McCloud. Damn, that game was awesome. (For everyone who did not own a Nintendo system, please see here.)

And that's all the news that's fit to print! Please be advised that we will be embarking on our second weekend haitus on Saturday, April 4 at 0:00 hrs GMT and will not recommence operations until Monday, April 6 at 0:00 hrs GMT...or when we get around to it.

It's time to pretend,

John from Canada

JOB WEEK: The Interview

Greetings,

Today is part 4 of JOB WEEK and it explores the interview process. To further this idea i have prepared a list of questions and answers that should never be asked or given during a job interview.

Questions

1. What is the policy on sleeping with co-workers

2. How many sick days are we allowed taking

3. Would I be expected to come in everyday?

Answers

1. Umm, I like to slaughter chickens and play W.O.W in my spare time.

2. High school really wasn't for me

3. No I won't need a parking pass I ride my horse to work

4. Public school really wasn't for me

Enjoy the video.

I shot the sheriff,

Stuart from Canada

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JOB WEEK: The Waiting

Hello again and welcome to Day 3 of Job Week.

As part of job week, I decided to draft up a list of the jobs that I think would be just fabulous to have. Here they are:

1) Google Streetview Driver:
Description: Drive around for hours in amazing cities supervising equipment taking pictures for you.
Perks: Free travel. Free pictures. (Assumedly) Free accomodation. You could also get your friends to dress up as wizards or stage a mugging in the background of one of your street pictures.
Drawbacks: A lot of driving. You're also liable to lose your job if the privacy campaginers get their way.

2) Gatekeeper
Description: "Alright, Master Hobbit, I meant no offence. It's my job to ask questions after dark."
Perks: Hobbits. Also, you don't have to shave for work.
Drawbacks: High likelyhood of being crushed by ringwraiths searching for said hobbits.

3) Dog Walker
Description: Run in big, flowery fields with loveable Golden Retrievers and Labradors.
Perks: I WANT A DOG, GODDAMMIT! WHERE IS MY BOX WITH HOLES?!
Drawbacks: I think you actually might have to scoop the dog poo if it's your job. I still wouldn't.

4) The Queen
Description: Talk to Obama. OMIGOD SHE GOT TO TALK TO OBAMA! Some crown-wearing also.
Perks: Talking to Obama. OMIGOD SHE GOT TO TALK TO OBAMA!
Drawbacks: The Queen Consort. General requirement of being a woman. Being blamed for how you handled that Diana thing.

5) Popular Mechanics for Kids Host
Description: I know that show has been off the air for years, but wasn't their job so cool?!
Perks: Where do you even start? Rocket ships, blowing stuff up, skydiving, Elisa Cuthbert, shooting guns, science, probably some candy too. Oh, and money. Lots of money.
Drawbacks: Um...if you can think of any, email me.

So that's my shortlist. Corss your fingers for me!

And now, please enjoy Part 3 of the 5 part Lastoke miniseries JObHUNT.

Goin' 'round the outside, 'round the outside, 'round the outsiiiiide,

John from Canada