Happy Motherfucking Birthday.

Hey.

So today is Stuart's birthday. Coincidentally, Stuart from Canada is born on the same day Canada was born. I don't mean he's 142 years old. I mean "same day" in the broader sense. Like I'm born on the same day as Liza Minelli. I'm not though, so don't look it up.

Anyway, I woke up this morning thinking, "I'm going to try and make this the best birthday ever! I may have little money, no transport, and be in a strange, unfamiliar country, but I'm going to do it anyway!"

It started out great. We both dressed in the most Canadian shirts we owned, and as we walked through town some German people even stopped us and said, "Ah, Canadian!" and smiled. Stuart and I went to a bakery, or, as they call them here, BACKEREI (they yell a lot), and Stuart FINALLY found some inexpensive yet delicious untopped cheesecake, just like he likes it, AND even some Nestea, which is impossible to find on this godforsaken continent, and we both had delicious deli-made cheese, bacon, and pickle sammiches. Mm-mmm good.

It was even sunny. I don't know if you've heard, but the EU voted into law the Crappy Weather Accord of 2009, which dictated that from the day we arrived in Berlin, all weather was to be either a) rainy, or b) humid, and that sun was to be prohibited if neither condition could be acheived. So sunny was a plus!

The first sign it was all going downhill was the humidity, followed by the rain. I was wearing my big Canada hoodie, and the 30 degree weather was a bit of a pain, but before the rain it was tolerable. But we were still optimistic...we were going to see some more of those pretty buildings in Dresden. So we hopped on the Free-Bahn and headed towards the center of the city.

And then the worst happened.

As the doors slipped closed with the quiet beeping of the warning signal, the man standing directly in front of us reached into his pocket and pulled out a pass for the DVB...the German Transit Authority.

Okay, so what you need to understand is that we're talking the Free-Bahn here. It's free. No charge. But the little catch is that if one of these guys manages to find you and show you his pass, you gotta pay 40 euro.

Each.

We try to pretend we're ignorant tourists, and that doesn't fly. Then we try to pretend that we'll pay the fine, really we will, if they send a bill to Canada. That doesn't fly either. It's now too late to pretend we can't understand English, so we pretend we have no money. They WALK us to the cashpoint.

So 15 minutes later we're out 80 euro and sitting in a square 20 minutes from where we wanted to go, moping in the unbelievable heat about those stupid fuckers who took our money. If they didn't want us to use it for free, why did they make it the Free-Bahn?!

We decide to see the buildings anyway, but then we realise that EVERYTHING in Germany runs on the same goddamn "looks like it's free but really isn't" system and the museums all cost a billion euro. They only charge you this AFTER you get locked in the anteroom to an exhibit. Bastards.

Luckily we made it out of that one and went back to the flat unscathed, and drank half a bottle of wine. The real highlight was supposed to be dinner, anyway, for which we were going to go to the Ontario Canadian-style steak grill in the city centre.

Unfortunately, when we got there we were immediately accosted by unnecessarily loud church bells and an abrasive waiter. The steaks, while good, came with no sides (they were extra) and when we asked for Molson (which was on the fucking menu) the waiter told us "That's not available in Germany."

Plus NO ONE, absolutely no one in that whole fucking Canada-themed place, knew it was Canada day. I mean, come on. The fuck.

We even tried to revisit the tasty bakery to soothe our depression with delicious baked goods, but it was closed.

In the end, though, we managed to salvage a little something by having a few drinks with our hosts in an underground bar listening to a (blind?) man play piano for nothing more than applause.

But here's the deal... since Stuart had such a crappy birthday, and Canada did too in this part of the world, I ask you, our audience, in lieu of a video, to write the best, most heartfelt, most awesome happy birthday comment to Canada and, more importantly, to Stuart, so that we can save some 1st of July spirit after all.

Happy Canada Day everybody!

To Canada,

John from Canada