The Hypochondriacal Quiz

John and I woke up this morning to an odd and most unfortunate surprise. We both were suffering from varied physical ailments, as painful as they were mysterious. Had gremlins come in the night with magic 'fuck you' dust? Had a vengeful Santa Clause crept into our house armed with a bag of coal and a 12 years worth of neglect? Or were we just desperately out of shape after walking all yesterday? All this questions were on our mind as we painfully took stalk of our injuries.

After a lengthy 41/2 hour full body exam of each other John and I have used the diagram below to document all our injuries. We then set about consulting various medical dictionaries,websites, and doctors in order to find the root of all our problems.Twelve hours of exhausting research later we have successfully whittled down a few of our ailments to what we consider equally likely possibilities.

Here are our results:

A:

Symptoms: Red Face, Itchy nose

Diagnosis 1: Austo-menegial-palatheory-osis

This Fungal ailment is caused by extended exposure to corrosive chemicals. Austomenegialpalatheoryosis is fatal without extensive surgery and treatment. Prognosis for life with treatment: 34%

Diagnosis 2: SunBurn

B:

Symptoms: Soreness in Joints

Diagnosis 1: Early Onset Chromosomal Displacement

This genetic defect is thought to be hereditary passed through the male line. The condition is thought to be triggered by close contact to radioactive materials or increased toxicity in the blood stream. No cure is at present known. Prognosis for life: 26%

Diagnosis 2: Abrasion of the Ulnar Nerve (hitting the funny bone)

C:

Symptoms: Stomache Ache

Diagnosis 1: Severe Gastro-intestinal-alkaline-acidity

This disease is characterized by its almond like scent. Occurring as a result of the ingestion of lead based paints it causes the stomache lining to covert into a paste like substance and the gastrointestinal juices to solidify. Prognosis for life: 17%

Diagnosis 2: Over consumption (eating like a pig)

D:

Symptoms: Soreness, Swelling, Anal Leakage

Diagnosis 1: Rectal Corrosion

This ailment is often attributed to the inhalation of noxious fumes and is extremely fatal. In most cases of Rectal Corrosion both the small and large intestine are expelled through the anus. Prognosis for life: 11%

Diagnosis 2: Embarrassing as Fuck

Click on the above picture to enlarge.